Reformation and Reclamation

Ever since The Great Coldstone Shaming of 2012, I have been really contemplating things in my life. I mean, I've always been a very pensive person and have always spent a considerable amount of time reflecting on my life and the things around me, but I have really been examining my choices, particularly regarding my weight and my personal development. I have been thinking about school, weight, career aspirations (or lack thereof), our family, and trying to figure out what really makes me happy and what I need to do to capture more contentment in my life.

I have a good life. I have an amazing husband and the most beautiful and funny little girl you could ask for. We have a nice home and family around us, and we don't go to sleep hungry. As difficult as it is for us to maintain, I have been blessed enough to be able to stay home with my daughter instead of having to truck her off to daycare, and I am appropriately grateful for all these things. But that doesn't mean that I don't have regrets, frustrations or heartache. 

My personal struggles are not particularly secret. I've dealt with depression and anxiety for a long time, weight issues for a shorter time, and both of these things have set me up for "issues" of other kinds, like uncontrollable spending habits and a complete disregard for educational authority. ......Okay, so the educational thing is more of a choice than a victim circumstance, but I maintain that it is at least related. But seriously? Shit has been hard.

Let's begin with the obvious. My weight. I haven't always been fat. Those who have known me for a long time will remember that in junior high and even high school I was pretty much the same size as everyone else, even though I always felt way bigger. Well, except my boobs, those have always been ridiculously advanced for my age. But the point is that I didn't come from childhood obesity or anything. I think when it started was when I got my license and started getting fast food. I was very active in high school, being a member of something like 13 performing groups, playing in a community soccer league and working as a nanny during the summer. I was able to eat mostly what I wanted because I was busy enough to burn it off. I actually remember thinking to myself at one point, "Hey, maybe I'm like those girls who can eat whatever they want and never get fat!" Fast forward 10 years and this is the perfect plot to a movie featuring Adam Sandler dressed as a woman in a fat suit. 

My personal delusions aside, I guess I just never learned how to nutritionally take care of myself. I have always eaten what I wanted when I wanted it. My weight has been steadily increasing since I hit my 20s, and I have attempted many different diets (Weight Watchers, LA Weightloss, Paleo, Smoothie diets, Veganism, etc). They never work because, ultimately, I don't want to follow them. Weight Watchers has a saying that goes, "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels". What a crock of shit! Shrimp pasta with garlic-butter sauce tastes way better than being thin feels! Anything with ice cream and caramel sauce tastes better than being thin feels! And pizza? Well...let's stop this before it gets dirty. My point is that when I was thin, I didn't feel thin. I didn't feel pretty most of the time, except when I was receiving validation from a guy, which is a whole different can of emotionally insecure worms. Being "thin" never did anything for me except make me feel like I wasn't thin enough. Being fat has a certain comfort to it. I don't really have to worry about trying too hard because I will still be fat regardless of how successful I am. I will get looks from people either way, but being fat usually elicits a look of pity rather than one of jealousy-bred hatred. Though it may have been unintentional, I definitely chose to get fat. And I have known this for a long time. 

But having Clara has changed some things. Before, I didn't really LIKE being fat but I didn't care enough to do anything about it. I had a guy who loved me and thought I was beautiful regardless of how many chins I had. My friends were still my amazing friends who laugh at my jokes, and I could still find clothes SOMEWHERE that I fit into and felt cute in. Despite being morbidly obese, I'm actually pretty "healthy". I don't have high blood pressure, I don't have terribly high cholesterol or glucose levels, I don't have gallstones and I can still haul my fat ass around on foot when I need to and get a reasonable distance before tiring out or quitting. But is that truly health? I think we all know that it isn't. Now that I have a little girl to think about, I realized that if I don't change my habits, she is going to develop them and go through a childhood and adolescence and probably adulthood with weight battles and health problems and that is the last thing I want for her. I might deal with being a fat adult, but I don't know how I would have dealt with being a fat kid. As it  was, when I was going through puberty and growing a fuller body frame, some boy in my class started calling me "flubber" and I wanted to deck him every time, but I just cried instead. I don't want that for her. 

So we have been making changes. We eat fast food sparingly instead of regularly. I try to cook every night and make our own bread so that what we're eating isn't completely full of preservatives and chemicals. We are making an effort to drink as much water as we can stand (with the heat that isn't much of a battle, thankfully), and now that we have the dog I have been trying to play with her and walk her as much as I can. But things aren't going as planned. Now that I actually WANT to lose weight and be healthier, I am finding myself physically barred from doing so. My knee hurts really, really badly whenever I walk or stand for more than a few minutes. My shins ache, my calves are cramping up, my feet cramp up into claws that I can't un-clench and my back huuuuuuurts a lot. A lot. This sucks and I'm hating myself for letting it get this far. 

Cut to scene of me sitting in front of my computer, researching LAP band surgery and eating cookies, a completely typical Monday morning activity. Sigh. If only it were that easy. In any case, I want to change. I want to be better than I am and that involves losing weight, finishing my annoying educational goals (at least the short-term goals) and working on my emotional health. Thank God for support groups and comedic memoirs to get me through these difficult times.