An exercise in futility: My audition for reality television

So ever since American Idol came around I have had people ask me the same general question when they find out I sing: "Oh, really? Have you ever thought about audition for American Idol or something?" And the answer is always "No, not really." There are a few reasons for this. One is that I don't appreciate that most of the talent shows on television purposely put people who are not talented on and exploit them for entertainment's sake. It's both cruel and a waste of time for anyone truly talented who went to the audition and got turned down. The other reason is that, while I know that I'm a good singer and that people (generally) enjoy my voice, I am not Christina Aguilera. I'm not a pop singer. I can't sing Mariah Carey notes without tapping into some serious operatic vibrato. I have a pleasant voice and I am a good musician, but I don't really know if anyone would buy a record of me singing. But then along came The Voice, a tv show that didn't put on terrible singers and embarrass the crap out of them.

A friend of mine had a friend who was a casting agent for the first season of this show, and I was all prepared to audition for it... and then I found out I was pregnant. So not only would I have not been allowed to compete, my stupid morning sickness wasn't really conducive to auditioning for anything (I actually missed two other really big auditions that fall because of my damn morning sickness). Ever since that first season, my good friend has been harassing me to audition for it. This year was the first time I really considered it. Eric and I talked about it and ultimately we figured that it was something I needed to at least try before dismissing it. So I did. I flew down to Los Angeles and auditioned. It went a little something like this:

First of all, can I just say that fat people get the shit end of the stick in a lot of situations, but none so much as when they have to fly on an airplane. I'm not so huge that I have to buy myself two seats or anything, but I know I'm a hefty lady. I know that people are about as eager to sit next to me on a plane as they are to sit in front of a screaming, kicking toddler. But these fears are unfounded, people! I almost always cross my arms or am reading a book on top of my tray so the arm rests are all yours. I am terribly polite and would NEVER make you feel bad about getting up to use the bathroom. I never recline my seat because those extra two inches are a joke. And I don't smell. At least not usually. So if you happen to be sitting in the aisle seat of a very crowded plane and a very polite albeit fat person asks if they could sit in the middle seat next to you, do not scoff and be a rude bitch about it, otherwise you MIGHT find that the Chanel handbag you left in front of your seat gets stepped on. Just sayin'.

I got there a day early so I would have a day to rest and get prepared. And rest. I. did. I spent almost an entire day in my hotel room lying on a giant bed with a bajillion pillows, reading The Hunger Games (I did my best to hold out on this trend, but I caved when I burned through the book I brought halfway through the plane ride down). Then I spent the night with one of my old besties and her girlfriend who is, honestly, pretty damn rad. We probably stayed out a little too late and I had a kink in my neck from plane, but I still went to sleep earlier than I usually do.

The next morning I woke up at 5am. The audition was at 7 and my friend was coming to pick me up at 5:45 to take me to downtown LA. When we got there at 6:10, there were already a few hundred people in line. The way they formatted the auditions was four major cities, three days in each city, two major time slots on each day. I was in the first slot of the second day in the last city. I showed up almost an hour early and there was already that many people in line? Ugh. I knew I had a long day ahead of me. All in all there HAD to have been at least a thousand people that showed up for the first time slot, let alone the second.

I stood in line outside the building for over an hour, inching forward here and there. It was freezing outside and I didn't bring a coat because I'm one of those idiots that assumes southern California is always warm. I was surrounded by people doing their makeup, wearing insane outfits and teenagers with their parents. There were people trying to cut here and there and the stage parents were not having it, which was pretty amusing. There was a girl behind me who was 17 and with both her parents. They seemed friendly enough but very, very confident. By "confident" I mean "arrogant." Their conversation went a little like this:

Dad: Ok baby girl, when you get in there just focus on your singing. You know that your voice brings so much joy to people so just focus on the joy, baby girl, and you'll get it.

Girl: Oh, I KNOW I'm going to get it, there's no doubt in my mind that I'm going to make it through.

Dad: Just don't make a fool of yourself, otherwise they'll put that clip on TV and make you look like a damn fool.

Mom: Whatever makes her famous.

Yeah. This is the kind of crap I had to listen to for several hours. There was another girl who I wanted to kick directly in the teeth. She was 19 but looked 30, was from San Francisco (which probably accounted for at least half of her annoying factor), had short, bleached blonde spiky hair, and was wearing a tank top, zebra print hoodie with a zebra head on the hood, and a crap load of chains. Seriously. Chain wallet (because apparently it was 1996 at the audition), chain necklaces, leather dog collar with spikes coming out of it, and somehow she made it through the metal detector. And THAT wasn't even what made her so annoying. She kept asking everyone around in a very condescending manner, "What's your genre?" When she asked me I informed her that I didn't have a genre, I sang a lot of different things. She didn't even bother to respond and then ignored me. When I asked her what her genre was she replied, "Oh, I'm singing Madonna." Because apparently Madonna IS her own genre. Crap genre.

The other thing I noticed was that every single person I heard talking about themselves was talking about their previous audition experiences. I think I must have been one of the only people in my general vicinity who hadn't previously auditioned for American Idol, X Factor, America's Got Talent or The Voice. On one hand I really admire these people for tenaciously pursuing their dream of singing. And on the other hand it's pretty sad that they apparently spend so much of their life trying out for these stupid shows.

Once I actually got to the audition room (around 9:30), they took us in 10 at a time and had is sit in chairs in front of a single judge who I assume was a casting agent. He called people randomly to stand in the center of the room and sing about a minute of the song we prepared. Some of these people sounded awesome, some of them were terrible. Like this one girl who sang a Mariah Carey song that I couldn't even recognize because it was so lacking in melody and, um, pitch. Until the end. Good lord, this girl pulled out two, bonafide dog-whistle level notes and she was so proud of herself. I was trying really hard not to crack up. When it was my turn, I got up, said where I was from and went into my song. I had been really worried about what I would sing because sometimes your song choice can make or break your audition, regardless of how well you sing it. I ultimately went with "Make You Feel My Love" in the style of Adele. I probably shouldn't have picked an artist who just got a shitload of grammies because I'm sure they heard a million of her songs all weekend, but I wanted to sing something that I emotionally connected with and that made me happy. I sang this song at the wedding of my best friend who was urging me to audition, so I felt like it was appropriate. I did pretty well although at one point I spaced out and started singing in kind of a different key, and if I hadn't been the seasoned pro that I am *cough* I would have stopped and asked to start again. I kind of figured I blew it and sat down feeling angry at myself.

The 17 year-old girl who had been behind me in line with her parents was in my group, and she sang right before me. She chose "At Last", which I kind of rolled my eyes at because it's so overdone by people who try to sound older than they are. She sounded okay, but she kept changing keys, and not intentionally. However, after everyone had finished their songs, the judge asked her to come back up and sing a second song. She chose, "Listen" from Dream Girls in the style of Beyonce. It. Was. Bad. She was basically shouting and doing vocals runs that she had no business trying to do. The tone of her voice was nice but that's about all I can say. There were at least three people in our group who sounded 10 times better than she did, but lo and behold, they asked her to stay behind for a callback. That's when I started feeling really heated and I wanted to lash out and say that they only picked her because she was cute and young and it makes for good TV. And that's probably true, but I was not about to be one of the people in the lobby crying because they didn't make it. Seriously, there were people sobbing and saying things like, "They didn't hear me at my best, I have a sore throat! This isn't faaaaaaaair!" And I had to laugh.

It's true, that girl probably was chosen for television purposes rather than musical merit, but I wasn't the only person that got snubbed in that audition. I know for a fact that I am a good singer, I know even better singers than me who have been turned down for TV competitions. I didn't leave feeling defeated because I had approximately 45 Facebook comments from people wishing me good luck and sending me votes of confidence on my ability. I have performed too many times and heard too many good things to let ONE audition make me feel inadequate.

And after all that, I got to spend the rest of the day and night with friends who I hadn't seen in years, drinking during the day and shopping without a child barfing down the front of my shirt. We went to the ocean, we ate Indian food, we played card games and word games and even sang Christmas songs from high school. It was a total nerd's weekend and I had an amazing time, whether I became a TV star or not.

On the plane ride home I sat next to a young Asian guy who looked apprehensive at sitting next to a fat lady... until I offered him some of my licorice. See? There are perks to being polite to the fatties.