While I haven't always struggled with my weight (only my self-esteem, ha), the last decade has been a constant battle of emotional eating (sad, happy, excited, bored, depressed... no emotions are left out here), and a myriad of failed diet attempts. I weighed around 175, which my then-doctor informed me was "excessive for my height and age" even though it's probably the best I've ever felt in my life. I had society telling me I needed to lose weight. Every time I went up a pant or shirt size I would get more and more depressed. I tried everything.... veganism, low-carb, dairy-free, Paleo, LA Weightloss, The Zone, SlimFast, Weight Watchers (x4), meal planning, sugar-free, and (medically supervised) appetite suppressants and calorie counting. I managed to lose 40 lbs with those last two, but I stopped taking the pills because they made my anxiety go through the roof, and then I gained back those 40 pounds I had lost, plus 20 more. After a lot of research and soul searching, I had topped out at 292 pounds and decided to pursue bariatric surgery.
I had initially gone to an information seminar for lap-bad surgery in 2009, but I decided it wasn't right for me. I went back to the same surgeon after doing some more research, and after another seminar and a consult, I settled on Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy. My pre-surgery process started in January of 2017. The projected time to complete all my requirements (chest X-ray, lab work, psych eval, EKG and a nutritional counseling session) was three months. Well, due to some very annoying circumstances including my insurance company adding a requirement for 3 months of extra appointments with a nutritionist, I FINALLY was approved for surgery a mere 8.5 months after starting the process. I am scheduled for September 18th, just over a week before my 33rd birthday.
Look, I know there are a lot of opinions swirling around about bariatric surgery.
It's dangerous (all surgery is)
It's a life-long commitment (as it should be)
It's not a cure (no, it's a highly effective tool)
It's irreversible (in a manner of speaking, yes)
It's drastic (so is morbid obesity and diabetes)
It gives you saggy skin (better than heart disease)
It doesn't mean you can stop exercising (no shit)
It's cheating (uh, are you keeping score or something?)
I KNOW ALL OF THESE OPINIONS AND I DON'T CARE.
I LOVE that my friends and family may feel concerned about me. I really do. I know they come from a place of love. I know surgery scares a lot of people, and it seems like I should be able to just lose the weight by following a diet. But here's the thing.... I've tried. I've legitimately tried, and tried, and tried. I know more about calorie content and nutrition than the average person. That's not the problem. The problem is two-fold.
1. I NEVER feel full unless I've eaten so much that I nearly puke. I can eat and eat and eat and never get that "comfortably satisfied" feeling my former nutritionist told me to look for. Do you know how easy it is to gain weight when your body has been programmed to over-eat every single time you have a meal or a snack?
2. There is nothing to REALLY hold me accountable for my choices. I have a handsome husband who loves me no matter what I look like. I have two little girls that love me no matter how squishy I am. I can still (barely) fit in airplane seats. I can still exercise and walk and live a normal daily life. I can still find stylish clothes to fit me that make me feel beautiful. My friends still talk to me no matter how much of our shared appetizer I may shovel in my face. My health is still pretty good--normal blood pressure, fairly normal cholesterol and blood sugars, no knee or hip problems. I don't have diabetes. I don't have heart disease. I don't have anything that is keeping me from living anything more than an occasionally embarrassing or inconvenient lifestyle as an obese person.... yet.
Is there anything wrong with being fat? Of course not. Just like I tell my kids, being fat doesn't make me a bad person, it doesn't make me ugly or stupid or cruel. My reasons for pursuing this route are purely personal... I see this weight as a result of years of bad choices, of eating because I was lonely or sad, of not exercising because I was too depressed to get out of bed or off the couch. I have hormone level issues because of my weight and that has not been a walk in the park. I want to feel good about myself because I like what I see in the mirror as well as who I am inside.
I might not have major health issues yet but I still believe losing weight will help my general quality of life. And I just don't happen to believe that doing Crossfit or drinking shakes or wrapping plastic around my stomach three times a week is sufficient for what I have been through and where I am in my life. So while I know these suggestions from people are kindly meant, please don't bother. I have researched this. I have talked to many other people who have done this. I chose a surgeon who learned the surgical technique from the man who created it. My family and friends who I have chosen to share this with are all on board, and my husband is my biggest cheerleader right now (and my cutest). So, I'm seriously looking forward to what the future holds me for me, including but definitely not limited to these things:
Being able to tie my shoes without getting out of breath
NOT looking like the perfect Mrs. Claus (though I love portraying her dearly)
Shopping for jeans and shirts that don't cost $50 - $80 due to extra fabric
Feeling full
Using weight equipment at the gym without giving a shit about the high school bros who are judging me
Completing a Tough Mudder with my husband
Having enough room on my lap for my girls to sit there
Have questions? Feel free to ask them. But please don't preach, because I'm already converted to the church of VSG.
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