Not my bag

I've been a little down on myself lately, and by "lately" I mean "the past 28 years".  I find myself constantly practicing negative self-talk, so I thought it was time for an old favorite: Good vs Bad.

There are a lot of things I'm good at.

I am an expert eater. I do it well, I do it often. I could be a professional. The day that I see a craigslist job posting for "glutton with a 'tude", I will be alllll over it.

Judging? Oh yeah. I'm awesome at that. Although I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt, I have no problem determining the level of douche a person possesses within seconds of meeting/seeing/smelling/hearing about them.

Sitting around? If the radio spot I heard saying that every hour you sit on your ass takes 22 minutes off your life is actually true, I'm down at least 10 years at this point. Check.

I may not have been chosen for The Voice (still not bitter, still not bitter, still not bitter), but I can belt out a Disney song or two. I can also quote and impersonate a wide array of Disney characters with laughable accuracy. Seriously, I've made people pee from it. Oh! And on that note...

Peeing my pants. No adult can wet their pants like me, nor can they do so at more hilarious times in life so as to provide their friends with prime story-telling opportunities. Not even that old lady from Billy Madison.

I am pretty good at bullshitting people. I once convinced my friend that I had a job writing random facts for Snapple caps. He told other people about it. I was pretty proud.

Keeping a straight face.... that might be what I'm best at. In high school I had a trumpet player do "the fat man shimmy" directly into my face during a game to try and get me to smile, and I. Didn't. Budge. Girl can keep her cool. I can also convert this talent into the ability to deliver face-melting glares when people are annoying enough to deserve it. My bitch face is basically a legend.


I could go on and on (oh, I'm also super good at being modest!), but it's time that I shift to what I'm not good at, simply to keep this exercise balanced. And on that note...

Exercise. And balance. I suck at those things. I LIKE being still. I LIKE being able to breathe at a normal rate and I LIKE NOT sweating. I might be fat, but damn it, I'm comfortable.

Not yelling. This one is what really has made me feel like a piece of crap lately. I generally think I'm a pretty calm person, but my daughter is able to really bring out the beast in me. I can take a lot and then all of a sudden, she's throwing my new ball of yarn into the toilet where I just rinsed out her shitty diaper, and I turn into the Incredible Hulk. I might need meditation.

Cleaning. I'm not saying I could be on Hoarders, but a TV crew coming into my house might trigger a suicide attempt.

Saving money. No explanation necessary.

Saying "no." I feel I have gotten better at this over the years, but I still have a hard time turning down people asking for help or anything else, mostly because I go into a happy place where I am so excited that someone wants to rely on me that I forget I have limitations and I agree and then usually really regret it.

Focusing. See? I'm already bored.